In the wee hours of the morning of April Fools' Day, Joseph decided he was finally going to watch that movie everyone's been harping on. He was warned by The Observer to stop and save his sanity.
Time codes are in Pacific Standard Time. Some content not affecting the snark was edited.
[9:27:45 PM] Joseph: Three minutes to showtime
[9:27:54 PM] The Observer: Last chance to back out, I think.
[9:28:23 PM] Joseph: If Doug and Lupa can do it, so can I
[9:28:45 PM] The Observer: Good luck!
[9:31:16 PM] Joseph: Starts with a message not to duplicate it. People would want to?
[9:31:40 PM] The Observer: The absurd Belgian who shall remain nameless has a much bigger ego than is warranted.
[9:34:10 PM] Joseph: The don't duplicate thing popped up again. I think it's Adult Swim and not the movie itself
[9:35:18 PM] The Observer: That's too bad, actually. I don't remember any such warning from the theatrical version, but they add crap like that on occasion to home releases.
[9:37:06 PM] Joseph: Just how old is Denny supposed to be? He looks 14, and his lack of anything resembling boundaries is rather creepy
[9:37:45 PM] Joseph: Looks as if the sex activated candles was a wise investment
[9:38:07 PM] The Observer: Those would make bank from the porn companies alone.
[9:38:15 PM] Joseph: And we got black box covering the boobage
[9:38:48 PM] The Observer: This ain't HBO, kid.
[9:38:56 PM] Joseph: And one is now covering the entire scene
[9:39:07 PM] Joseph: WTF is he doing to her?!
[9:39:12 PM] The Observer: Though CSI of all things did actually have boobage once, so take it as you will.
[9:39:35 PM] The Observer: Joe, be thankful for the box. The things I've once seen... cannot be unseen.
[9:41:03 PM] Joseph: Oh, God! Thank you carefully placed box as Johnny was getting out of bed!
[9:41:13 PM] The Observer: As I said... CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
[9:42:06 PM] Joseph: Commercial. They slowed down the dialogue on the bumper. Funny, I guess
[9:45:38 PM] Joseph: Wow, Lisa's mom is nosy
[9:46:08 PM] The Observer: Naw, really? I hadn't noticed!
[9:47:22 PM] Joseph: Okay, I get it, she's Lisa's mother. You can stop telling me
[9:50:13 PM] Joseph: I believe it's called "foreplay" bearded guy
[9:51:48 PM] Joseph: No sure turned into yes for him rather quickly
[9:52:00 PM] The Observer: He's a dude.
[9:52:27 PM] The Observer: There's only so long dudes can hold out before their blood leaves their brain entirely.
[9:54:18 PM] Joseph: These black boxes are probably making the sex scenes seem so much worse than they actually are
[9:54:54 PM] Joseph: Especially when they cover the majority of the screen
[9:55:14 PM] The Observer: In terms of content, they're relatively mild. But in terms of squick factor? Holy $@#%.
[9:55:51 PM] Joseph: Wait. "We can't do this anymore?". Was that not the first time they've done it?
[9:56:02 PM] Joseph: Hi, Doggy!
[9:56:22 PM] The Observer: And with that, I pet Ginger hello. I know she's a cat, leave me alone.
[9:56:40 PM] Joseph: Commercial.
[9:56:47 PM] The Observer: Breather.
[9:57:13 PM] The Observer: When the movie's over, I'm going to break your brain. If you don't figure it out yourself. Just warning ya.
[10:00:32 PM] Joseph: I have never heard of an artichoke pizza before
[10:01:18 PM] The Observer: Fneh, must be a ‘Frisco thing. Either that or the absurd Belgian who shall remain nameless doesn’t even know food. Honestly, now I think it’s that.
[10:01:46 PM] Joseph: Denny's going to grow up to be a serial rapist, isn't he?
[10:02:08 PM] The Observer: You're assuming he isn't already.
[10:02:16 PM] Joseph: Good point
[10:03:09 PM] Joseph: What exactly is "the computer business" that Lisa partakes in?
[10:03:32 PM] The Observer: Never explained.
[10:04:29 PM] Joseph: Never pick Johnny as the designated driver. He goes from "you know I don't drink," to drunk off his ass in about 90 seconds
[10:04:49 PM] The Observer: Johnny's the king of inconsistent characterization.
[10:05:55 PM] Joseph: Based on the number of sex scenes, and black boxes covering up most of the screen, why do I get the feeling this movie was intended as a porn at one point?
[10:06:17 PM] The Observer: I take it you never watched Cinemax as a kid?
[10:06:30 PM] The Observer: 'Cause that style of film-making is obviously the influence here.
[10:06:41 PM] Joseph: Didn't have Cinemax as a kid
[10:07:00 PM] The Observer: I don't know whether to be relieved or concerned with that.
[10:07:30 PM] Joseph: "Breast Cancer? Eh. No biggie" that's how that scene came off to me
[10:07:51 PM] The Observer: Plot point? We don't need no stinkin' plot point!
[10:08:51 PM] Joseph: Oh, hai random people sneaking into someone else's house to have sex
[10:09:23 PM] The Observer: ... You've been infected.
[10:10:07 PM] Joseph: An excellent question, Lisa's mom
[10:10:24 PM] The Observer: Was that one "What are you doing?" or "How did you get in here?"
[10:10:42 PM] Joseph: "Who are these characters?"
[10:10:50 PM] The Observer: Right! Yes!
[10:11:23 PM] Joseph: Denny's an orphan? Was it self made? because that wouldn't surprise me
[10:11:35 PM] The Observer: Never explained.
[10:12:26 PM] Joseph: Is "I don't want to talk about it" Lisa's catchphrase?
[10:12:37 PM] Joseph: Commercial
[10:12:43 PM] The Observer: You mean other than bitching about Johnny? Sure, why not?
[10:15:54 PM] Joseph: Which is bound to be the bigger post Oscar win disappointment, Jamie Foxx going from Ray to Stealth, or Natalie Portman going from Black Swan to Your Highness?
[10:16:09 PM] The Observer: Jamie Foxx all the way.
[10:16:38 PM] The Observer: Damn good actor, and deserves way better than he's getting.
[10:17:03 PM] The Observer: As to Natalie Portman... she was in the Star Wars Prequels. And Black Swan. &%$! her.
[10:17:38 PM] Joseph: Why is everyone coming to the roof?
[10:18:50 PM] The Observer: Because they only had the budget for three or four set pieces.
[10:18:58 PM] The Observer: You know, on a budget of SIX MILLION.
[10:19:05 PM] The Observer: Obviously worth every penny, right?
[10:19:50 PM] Joseph: I kinda have to take Lisa's mom side on this.
[10:20:38 PM] The Observer: You do realize I'm not watching it with you, right? And that the last time I saw it was years ago? Lisa's mom's side on WHAT?
[10:20:54 PM] The Observer: What was her name again... Charlene... Claudette... it was some kind of C name, right?
[10:21:12 PM] Joseph: The reaction Denny and the drug dealer
[10:21:38 PM] The Observer: Yes, that was the singular glimpse of maturity here.
[10:22:22 PM] Joseph: That skyline is a green screen, isn't it?
[10:22:49 PM] The Observer: I'm pretty sure it's a painted background, actually. Either way, it's pretty obvious they're indoors. Though you wouldn't know it with the amount of ADR.
[10:23:39 PM] Joseph: So, how did that whole pursued by drug dealer thing work out? Not important? Okay
[10:24:05 PM] The Observer: Never explained.
[10:25:35 PM] Joseph: Denny's in College? Really?
[10:29:40 PM] Joseph: So your reaction to finding out Lisa told people you hit her is to push her down. YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MOVIE!
[10:33:44 PM] Joseph: I swear they used the same shot of the Golden Gate Bridge from the Full House opening
[10:34:04 PM] The Observer: There's only so many ways to take a picture of that thing. Or so I heard.
[10:34:30 PM] Joseph: Claudette is Lisa's mom's name
[10:34:52 PM] The Observer: Thanks. I knew it was something like that.
[10:35:09 PM] The Observer: But now I just want to watch The Shield.
[10:35:45 PM] Joseph: The football scene is the alley is... weird
[10:35:58 PM] The Observer: Something about this movie is weird. I'm shocked and amazed.
[10:36:05 PM] Joseph: Hi, Claudette. How's the chemotherepy coming?
[10:37:12 PM] Joseph: And Claudette makes another good point. Why did you bring up the fact you're cheating on Johnny if you "don't want to talk about it"?
[10:40:44 PM] Joseph: Is this Peter person at Johnny's? Who is he? Why haven't we heard about him before now?
[10:41:09 PM] Joseph: "It's an awkward situation". That's this movie in a nutshell
[10:42:37 PM] Joseph: "Have any of you even heard a chicken before?" from Arrested Development just popped into my head from Johnny's "chicken" noise
[10:42:58 PM] The Observer: Never got around to watching that show, sorry to say.
[10:43:35 PM] Joseph: A running gag is Jason Bateman's character's family doing chicken noises at him on certain situations, all of them different, and none even close to accurate
[10:44:05 PM] The Observer: Ah! Gotcha.
[10:44:29 PM] Joseph: Commercial
[10:46:22 PM] Joseph: Once the drug dealer came on the scene, the movie started verring into Stupid Town. And not in the fun Troll 2 way, either
[10:47:02 PM] The Observer: Don't look at me. You're the one who thought this was a good idea. I tried to warn you.
[10:50:44 PM] Joseph: And Mark now smokes pot and has homicidal tendencies. Character development?
[10:51:17 PM] The Observer: In this movie? Never.
[10:51:21 PM] The Observer: Just random $@#%.
[10:51:25 PM] The Observer: That's all The Room is! Random $@#%!
[10:51:34 PM] The Observer: I'm not even watching it and I'm pissed at it!
[10:52:02 PM] Joseph: Mark shaved. Which is apparently a big deal, I guess
[10:52:11 PM] Joseph: I mean, the camera lingered on it
[10:52:36 PM] The Observer: Probably to say, "Look here! Totally the same guy! Not like that other asshole we had to recast halfway through!"
[10:55:46 PM] Joseph: Is Mark Johnny's best friend? I had no idea. Why didn't they tell us sooner?
[10:56:29 PM] The Observer: This movie is repetitive. This movie is repetitive. This movie is repetitive. This movie is repetitive. This movie is repetitive. This movie is repetitive.
[10:56:32 PM] The Observer: This movie is repetitive.
[10:57:02 PM] Joseph: And once again the black boxes are taking over most of the screen
[10:57:12 PM] The Observer: Be thankful.
[10:57:15 PM] The Observer: CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
[10:57:24 PM] Joseph: I mean, all but a little square in the top left corner
[10:59:43 PM] Joseph: Commercial. I want to play Homefront just because of the writer
[11:00:38 PM] Joseph: The Nickeloden kids choice awards is an odd commercial to have during this.
[11:00:51 PM] The Observer: It's still Cartoon Network.
[11:02:23 PM] Joseph: And now we have the Full house opening shot going in reverse
[11:03:08 PM] Joseph: Oh, goody, even more football.
[11:06:01 PM] Joseph: You know, Mark, every time you go near Lisa you end up in bed (or spiral stairs) together. Why are you still so surprised by her advances?
[11:06:12 PM] The Observer: Never explained.
[11:08:38 PM] Joseph: Since when is 8:00 considered late afternoon? And I'm pretty sure banks have been closed for a few hours by then
[11:09:23 PM] The Observer: Stop trying to apply logic to The Room. That way only leads to madness.
[11:11:15 PM] Joseph: They-- they bought the rights to Happy Birthday?
[11:11:27 PM] The Observer: I told you about that.
[11:11:55 PM] The Observer: Martin Scorsese didn't do that for Boardwalk Empire, but the absurd Belgian who shall remain nameless put in the money.
[11:12:04 PM] The Observer: Six million dollar budget. Well spent!
[11:12:34 PM] Joseph: I do like the one original music cue that this movie has. A nice tune that's rather catchy
[11:14:23 PM] Joseph: commercial
[11:19:01 PM] Joseph: "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket"? WTF is that even supposed to mean?
[11:21:01 PM] Joseph: I think I actually like totally not recast Peter better than the original one.
[11:23:12 PM] Joseph: Wow the "fight" really needs the cat sound effect Nostalgia Critic added in
[11:25:23 PM] Joseph: commercial
[11:26:04 PM] The Observer: Think about it this way: It's almost over!
[11:26:50 PM] Joseph: It seems like they are really stretching this out
[11:26:04 PM] The Observer: Think about it this way: It's almost over!
[11:26:50 PM] Joseph: It seems like they are really stretching this out
[11:27:15 PM] The Observer: You stretch out Random $@#% how... exactly?
[11:27:29 PM] The Observer: You make it sound like the absurd Belgian who shall remain nameless actually had a plan when making this thing.
[11:28:40 PM] Joseph: Seems like there's more commercials than there should be
[11:29:07 PM] The Observer: Every 15 minutes, it looks like.
[11:29:51 PM] Joseph: "I don't think I should be alone with him" "I understand that. Well, I'm going home. Bye" WTF?
[11:33:46 PM] The Observer: Just wait 'til I hit you with the Fridge Horror.
[11:33:54 PM] The Observer: I'm looking forward to it so much.
[11:34:12 PM] Joseph: Wow, this tantrum is downright pitiful
[11:35:50 PM] Joseph: And they boxed up most of the screen for his suicide
[11:36:09 PM] The Observer: That's too bad. Seeing him die is the only reason to watch the movie!
[11:36:21 PM] Joseph: "Wake up"? HE SHOT HIMSELF
[11:36:52 PM] Joseph: Why did Mark just kiss Johnny's forehead?
[11:36:55 PM] The Observer: I hate to say it, but that sometimes happens in cases of the loved ones of Gunshot Homicide victims.
[11:37:08 PM] The Observer: The "wake up" part.
[11:37:11 PM] The Observer: Not the kissing part.
[11:37:13 PM] The Observer: Great timing!
[11:37:34 PM] The Observer: Hell, suspicious death, period.
[11:37:54 PM] Joseph: Why did Denny suddenly run in there?
[11:38:02 PM] The Observer: He's stalking them. Duh.
[11:38:18 PM] Joseph: And why was he crying before he saw the body?
[11:38:41 PM] The Observer: Probably listening to A Simple Plan or some $@#%.
[11:39:47 PM] The Observer: You know, that's how much I hate this movie. I'm not even watching it, and you have me thinking about the pathology of homicides, and THAT'S A STEP UP!
[11:40:41 PM] Joseph: At least there were people with brains in that building and the police was called.
[11:40:58 PM] The Observer: Why couldn't this movie be about THOSE people?
[11:42:04 PM] Joseph: I can now say I saw The Room.
[11:42:12 PM] The Observer: Mazel tov.
[11:42:25 PM] Joseph: I'm actually left with a feeling of "that's it?"
[11:42:27 PM] The Observer: Okay, so Fridge Horror time. Get a bottle ready, you're going to need it.
[11:42:51 PM] Joseph: Given its reputation, I was expecting something so much worse than what it was
[11:42:51 PM] The Observer: So, the actress who played Lisa was 18 at the time of filming. The character... probably wasn't much older than that. How long did Johnny say they'd been together again?
[11:43:09 PM] Joseph: O_O
[11:43:29 PM] Joseph: WOW